I’d like to wish all of you an exciting, fun-filled cruise. Of course, I realize this can’t happen for everyone. Some of you are going to drink too much and fall overboard; others will sustain serious brain injuries in water-ski accidents and become lifelong Justin Bieber fans.
Some of you will move so slowly in the buffet line that one of your very own blood relatives will stab you in the eye with a dessert spoon.
Some of you will eat so much you might get stuck in the water slide, sink the tender boat or simply explode into a million sugar-coated pieces.
Many more of you will be stricken with gastrointestinal disorders that will keep you glued to your toilet seat paying homage to the National Park System with your inverted impression of “Old Faithful.”
And let’s not forget the muggings and shootings in Mexico. There will be lots of those. Better yet, some of you may be kidnapped and held for ransom which your in-laws will never pony up because they’ve already paid for your cruise and won’t feel like dipping into their gambling money.
Some of you will lie out in the sun for seven hours your first day without sunscreen because the TSA took it away (those lotion Nazis!) and the threat of skin cancer isn’t motivation enough to pay $90 for a pinky-sized tube in the gift shop, so—surprise-surprise!—you’ll spend the rest of the cruise looking like an atomic lobster chasing handfuls of Advil with double piña coladas and shrieking in agony every time a cool tropical breeze brushes your skin.
Some of you might mix rum and tequila, get in a fist-fight with a donkey, wind-up in a Mexican jail cell—with the donkey, which, after some couples’ counseling, you’ll wind up marrying—and miss the ship. Good news is you’ll be offered your very own reality show on Telemundo called “The Burro Whisperer.”
Still others will fall out of a moving taxi while shouting, “Hey, look, it’s ‘Jeff the Fun Dude’ trying to enjoy a romantic walk with his fiancée—let’s scream at him and spoil the mood!”
Some of you will tell “Jeff the Fun Dude” he was funnier than the Punchliner headliner and get struck by lightning.
Some of you will drink so many one-dollar beers in Jamaica you’ll stumble in front of a speeding Red Stripe truck, causing a reggae band to stop playing long enough to drag your lifeless body out of the street to the boos of your fellow cruisers as your plastered brother-in-law hovers over you shouting, “Buzz kill!”
While swimming in the ocean, some of you will mistake a shark for a dolphin and lose an arm. (This will cut the amount of one-dollar beers you can drink in half.)
Some of you will be molested by a Stingray and appear on “The Jerry Springer Show.”
Some of you will win Bingo three times in a row, causing an adorable old lady in a red hat to beat you to death with her walker. On the bright side, you’ll get over 3,000,000 hits on YouTube.
Those of you who are lucky enough to avoid such misfortunes can look forward to noisy neighbors, crying babies, slow Wi-Fi, pushy cab drivers, sleeve-tugging four-year-olds selling Chiclets, six-dollar ATM surcharges, Vietnamese jugglers, engine room fires, tropical storms, hurricanes, tidal waves, gun-toting pirates, manatee attacks, pick-pocketing monkeys, flesh-eating viruses, piranhas in your Speedo, horny killer whales who mistake the bow of the ship for Lady Ga Ga, the Kraken, Sigmund the Sea Monster or the Loch Ness Monster (depending on your ship), and shape-shifting alien octopi which will attach themselves to your face, suck out your brains, steal your identity and charge $10,000 worth of rum cakes to your sail & sign account.
Therefore, many of you will not get to enjoy the exciting, fun-filled cruise I’m wishing for you. So just try to have as much fun as you can.